First off- I’d like to start this post by saying I love my wife VERY much.
I remember when we first started dating I was blown away by her ability to open her mouth and project sounds that didn’t resemble a dying animal (Note: I really cannot sing). I was even more impressed when she proved she could play guitar while singing AT THE SAME TIME.
I was quickly wooed over by her angelic voice and killer instrumental skills. But, little did I know, I would eventually be a band wife. And band wives have a lot of duties and unwritten rules.
Here are the things NO ONE tells you when you start dating a musician:
- There will rarely be quiet time again: In the shower? Singing. Trying to nap? Guitar solos trailing up the stairs. In the middle of a conversation? Singing again. In bed? Drums blasting downstairs.
- Your basement is no longer YOUR basement. It belongs to the music now: I’ve always been cool with her creating a recording studio space in our basements (even when we lived in tiny houses that could have benefitted from some extra space). What I didn’t expect was that she would hunt the house for every single blanket we own and create what looks like a giant blanket fort in our basement to absorb echoes and create the ultimate recording situation. Now, when I walk into the basement I am greeted by blankets hanging from the ceiling acting as doors as I make my way to the laundry room. Plus side? She has volunteered to do more laundry now.
- You will be expected to attend shows of people you’ve never heard of: I’m totally cool with this one… except when the people mega suck and she still suggests we see them. :’)
- She will spend hours in the blanket basement at one time and will request that you don’t make a sound: That means no showering. No walking around. No breathing. Okay- the last one was a joke.
- You may end up doubling as her Manager/Tour Planner: Again- totally cool with this one because I love planning events. I do wish I got to go on the tour though… 😉
- The bandmates become your great friends: Or in our case- the best men at our wedding.
- You’ll probably end up running the merch table…
- You’ll start listening to music differently… Listen to that Vibrato damn.
- She’ll make you fall in love again and again with every song she writes about you. (Especially when she sings it for you at your wedding in front of everybody.)
- And you will especially love the way she serenades the dog. Now if only we could teach him to sing back.
Based on this list… I think the pros definitely outweigh the cons. Just means I can be her biggest fan.
I’ve decided- made a conscious decision, that in 2018 I will let go of my demons. I will drop the misconception that the only way to fight depression is to kill myself trying. I will stop criticizing myself in the mirror. The person staring back doesn’t appreciate it. I will eat well. And, when I don’t eat well, I won’t hate myself for it. I will allow myself to use crutches, but never to rely on them. I will hold the hands of the people I love and tell them more just how much they mean to me. I will become comfortable with time alone. I will support my friends, but only when I can do so without sacrificing my own well-being. I will give the energy I wish to receive, and I will give until I can’t anymore. And then, I will take without feeling an ounce of guilt. I will love the parts of me that hurt instead of kicking them while they’re down.
2018 will be the year I spend more energy on being content in myself than ripping myself apart. It’s the year I will marry my best friend and watch one of my best friends get married a month later. It’s the year I use my education in creative ways. The year I kiss my dog right on the mouth ’cause I love him so.
5 Goals for 2018
- Meditate as much as possible. Right now I’m using the app Hello Mind.
- Read articles that lift me up. Right now I’m hooked on The Mind Body Green Website.
- Journal. Right now I’m using this one and loving it – The 52 Lists Project Journal
- Eat some delicious food that’s also good for me. Right now I’m hooked on
- Love, everyone. No matter who they are- I want to find it in me to love them.
I hope everyone’s 2018 is going beautifully so far. And, if it’s not, it’s never too late to change it.
I’ve been going through some old writing, from a harder time in my life. A time when I was treading water…trying to stay above water. I’ve been reading the words, remembering how I felt, and being so thankful that I’m not feeling so empty these days.
I’ve decided to post some of my most vulnerable pieces of writing. Not my best pieces, but the pieces that hurt my heart to write, and even more to read years later.
Here is a letter to my grandmother, not sent.
TO MY GRANDMOTHER
“Tonight marks two years. Two years since I graduated high school and two years since your soul let go. I remember that night like yesterday…I knew you were sick, I visited you a few months prior and saw your beautiful white curls fall and saw the light go out in your eyes. That night, I walked onto the stage, I accepted my diploma. I made it. I made it in spite of the depression. in spite of the heartache, the losses and the cruelty of people. I reflected one the four years that I hated so much and for some reason wished they weren’t over yet. I looked into the crowd and saw my mom, her bright eyes full of hope. Hope for me, and you. Hope that I would always remember this night and hope that you would be able to see me succeed in my life. I walked off the stage, sat beside her and held her hand. I thought of you and wished you could be there sitting with us to share that moment. I remember after graduation I went home and had a drink, I sat and took my life in. I felt panicked…as if something bad was happening. I tossed and turned trying to sleep that night, I woke up from a dream of you. You were swimming in the ocean, the sun was shining and so were you. Half asleep I heard the phone ring. I knew you were gone. You went into my dreams to show me you’re happy now, you’re shining now. My mom knocked on my door and my heart sank knowing that the light would now be gone from her eyes too…To lose your mother must be the most difficult thing imaginable. I hugged her and I promised her everything would be okay. I kept that promise, I got my shit together. But most days I miss you so deeply that it numbs my heart and it hurts my soul. You were the single person I felt truly knew me. I hope you’re swimming in the ocean with the sun beaming on your fair skin. I love you more than I ever expressed and I promise I will keep your daughter safe.”
My heart feels heavy and light reading this. To my 17 year old self- you are so strong. To my 17 year old self- you are going to be okay. To my 17 year old self- do not look back. To my 17 year old self- live, live, live.