I don’t remember when it started. And by it, I mean that 5 o’clock glass (or 3) of wine to “decompress” after work. I don’t remember the last time I didn’t have a bottle of wine in the house. Or a time when I didn’t feel anxious if I knew I was running low.
I have spent the last few years of my life really trying to become the best version of myself. I have spent countless hours reading inspirational books, going to therapy, self-reflecting. I have left jobs that no longer brought me any joy. I have been honest with myself on my not-so-great coping strategies, and have tried to replace them.
Alcohol is the one thing between me and where I want to be.
1 drink after a shitty day turned into 1 drink everyday which turned into 2 drinks everyday, then sometimes 3. The quiet lull that lies at the bottom of each glass is what keeps me wanting more. The way it stops the buzzing in my brain, and just lets me stop feeling anxious for 2.5 seconds. But, I’m damn well aware that this is probably the worst coping strategy I could use (besides the hard stuff).
Our society is sick. Alcohol is commercialized and marketed as a fun, summer beverage with absolutely no consequences. Pretty bottles, convenient cans. Alcohol is part of our daily lives. It’s at weddings, funerals, baby showers, dinner parties…basically any social event. And I get it, it helps reduce social jitters. But, have we, as a society, forgotten how to live sober?
I’m not saying I don’t want to ever drink again. Because really, I love wine. But, I don’t want to need wine. I don’t want to wake up and think about the bottle of wine I’ll drink that night after work. I don’t want to continue spending money on a depressant. I don’t want to continue mixing it with my anti-depressants and wonder why I’m starting to feel low again.
I’m still miles from where I used to be. I’m more stable than I’ve ever been. But I know this habit isn’t sustainable, nor do I want to continue numbing myself. No magic happens when your senses are debilitated.
So what am I going to do?
Well…first I’ll start with only drinking on weekends. Then only drinking socially on weekends. Then, only drinking on special occasions (& I mean really special).
I’ll keep you posted…