I’ve been going through some old writing, from a harder time in my life. A time when I was treading water…trying to stay above water. I’ve been reading the words, remembering how I felt, and being so thankful that I’m not feeling so empty these days.
I’ve decided to post some of my most vulnerable pieces of writing. Not my best pieces, but the pieces that hurt my heart to write, and even more to read years later.
Here is a letter to my grandmother, not sent.
TO MY GRANDMOTHER
“Tonight marks two years. Two years since I graduated high school and two years since your soul let go. I remember that night like yesterday…I knew you were sick, I visited you a few months prior and saw your beautiful white curls fall and saw the light go out in your eyes. That night, I walked onto the stage, I accepted my diploma. I made it. I made it in spite of the depression. in spite of the heartache, the losses and the cruelty of people. I reflected one the four years that I hated so much and for some reason wished they weren’t over yet. I looked into the crowd and saw my mom, her bright eyes full of hope. Hope for me, and you. Hope that I would always remember this night and hope that you would be able to see me succeed in my life. I walked off the stage, sat beside her and held her hand. I thought of you and wished you could be there sitting with us to share that moment. I remember after graduation I went home and had a drink, I sat and took my life in. I felt panicked…as if something bad was happening. I tossed and turned trying to sleep that night, I woke up from a dream of you. You were swimming in the ocean, the sun was shining and so were you. Half asleep I heard the phone ring. I knew you were gone. You went into my dreams to show me you’re happy now, you’re shining now. My mom knocked on my door and my heart sank knowing that the light would now be gone from her eyes too…To lose your mother must be the most difficult thing imaginable. I hugged her and I promised her everything would be okay. I kept that promise, I got my shit together. But most days I miss you so deeply that it numbs my heart and it hurts my soul. You were the single person I felt truly knew me. I hope you’re swimming in the ocean with the sun beaming on your fair skin. I love you more than I ever expressed and I promise I will keep your daughter safe.”
My heart feels heavy and light reading this. To my 17 year old self- you are so strong. To my 17 year old self- you are going to be okay. To my 17 year old self- do not look back. To my 17 year old self- live, live, live.