Five months post loss and what I've experienced in these last few months is too much to put into a blog post. But, I'll try to simplify it.
Basically, life looks really different now.
Weekly therapy. Sober. Connecting with nature. Time off work.
That all sounds okay right?
What if I told you I had to hit absolute rock bottom to get there? What if I told you I couldn't get out of bed and dropped 20 pounds in a month? What if I told you the grief, I thought I had moved through, had other plans for me. The grief held me in a choke-hold and I had two options:
Mothers Day is approaching and a day I usually love, I now dread. Pre-miscarriage, I loved the photo's on social media of new moms celebrating first Mothers Days, pregnant folks celebrating their babies-to -come and all of the handmade cards from little ones. I looked forward to Indigo's Mothers Day emails of gift guides for… Continue reading Mothers Day Post Miscarriage + Triggers From Miscarriage Survivors.
I'll start off my saying that a happy list is not the same as a gratitude list. Though I may be grateful for the things that make me happy, it's simpler than that. A happy list doesn't have to have things that you feel obligated to feel thankful for, it's more relaxed than that. It's just things that make you smile, make your heart warm and make you feel like life is worth living.
I'm sure Im not the only one who misses patio date nights, walks on the beach (sans mask) and going to see the newest movies in theatre. Honestly, it's not the activities I miss (okay, maybe I miss them a little)- it's the bond with my partner through the activities. Sharing a dessert while the… Continue reading My Top 3 Stay at Home Date Ideas
Ah reading. It's become one of my favorite things to do. Whether it's in the morning with the windows open and a warm cup of coffee in hand, of in the evening before bed under warm blankets and dim lights. I remember reading as a kid and loving it. The escape each book held, the… Continue reading How Reading Has Helped Me Post Miscarriage + My Top 3 Books of 2021 so Far.
It's been 9 days since we lost our baby Mars. In those 9 days I've experienced just about every emotion I'd imagine exists. My body's crumbled in ways I didn't think were possible. And my mind has gotten lost in the darkest tunnels I've ever known.
So how am I? Really?
I sit here at 3:58 the day before I plan to launch Undertow. I've spent the last 2 years writing, cutting, illustrating, editing, dreaming. I've had doubts:"Can I do this?" "Will people like it?" And, I've had determination:"I know these words need to be heard." Undertow is so different than Waves. Waves was a ripple… Continue reading It’s Here
January 2021 A new year, new dreams, new possibilities, new life. new whole complete I write this sitting on my couch listening to Friends drone on the T.V. for the fourth hour straight as I heal from the worst burnout I've experienced yet. I write this remembering the cold January snow hitting my cheeks, free… Continue reading What Happens When Rock Bottom Hits Back?
1 month since losing you. 1 month of pure terror.1 month of staring depression in the face and choosing to survive.1 month of waking up and remembering you're gone.1 month I wish I could forget.1 month without you. Today marks 1 month since we lost our baby, Mars. In that month, we've experienced every single… Continue reading Miscarriage Q&A
Yesterday was Easter. The weekend that normally is full of multiple family gatherings, an oversupply of Easter Dinners and Easter egg hunts was already different because of Covid. This year was quiet. Eerily so. But, what I didn't realize is holidays after loss hurt.
It's been 2 weeks since we lost you. 2 weeks since you've been outside of my body and it still feels surreal. They say grief gets easier with time, and I don't necessarily agree. I think it just gets further away, smaller, harder to see. But when you lose a baby, it's almost like you… Continue reading 5 Things That Helped During Our Miscarriage